Mommy's Not Here

 Chapter 4  I have to break this story up. I cannot tell it all at once because it's too painful. There are so many details that I'd be writing forever.  Actually, I wanna share the details. Really hone in on exactly what happened, because one day time will make me forget. I need to know. I need you to know what it's like being me. So when this story is over you can understand WHY I AM THE WAY I AM.  It is not by choice.  I need to tell my story.  How life broke me as an individual.  Instead of judging me ask yourself.... Could you have handled all that?  Would living that break you?  Could you be me?  Seriously would like to know.  It always makes me uncomfortable hearing someone tell me how strong I am.  Because I'm definitely not!  I have no idea what I'm doing EVERYDAY. ALL DAY.  That ambulance ride was no different.  The paramedic told me before I entered the vehicle that I have to be calm. If you're going t...

 Chapter 3 I see you guilt. Creeping in. Whispering your little threats inside my mind as I write. Hovering to ensure I get the details just right. Including the inner faults that led to this fate. You don't need to shadow me. I'll share my secret.  What's the one thing as a mother you are not supposed to say? The answer: I wanted a break. A little time to myself.  That's what started this whole thing. Mommy was eager to have a moment of silence so she manipulatively pushed her family out the door. In my defense I did my part that evening. I made spaghetti and meatballs. Actual meatballs not meat sauce like usual per my kids request. I cleaned the house... Laundry, dishes, floors,ect.  We had recently rescued a dog named Lucky that we got during a St. Patrick's Day special for fifteen dollars. (We considered naming her Fifteen but that wouldn't roll off the tongue like Lucky). As adorable as our German Shepard was she had an issue with bathroom etiquette. Leavin...

 Chapter 2 For this next part... I need you to keep your fucking opinions to yourself. Yes...I'm talking to myself. I knew going back would be painful. I'm prepared for that. But guilt! has always been my weakness. The feeling I easily succumb to so know you are writing this with caution. He was at a crossroad. I hold this theory that you were purposely self destructing because you felt suffocated and limited with corporate life.You saw more for yourself. What was once second nature for you became problematic. You kept finding yourself in trouble. Going through job after job like a revolving door and that was NOT you.  You were always a provider. But during this time maintaining stability was difficult for you. The strain you put on me as a result I truly believe you didn't care. If it wasn't what you wanted, you didn't try.  Your drive started to decrease. Our connection became lost. In addition, the burden of trying to stay afloat somehow fell solely on me. We wer...

 Chapter 1 It started with rejection. I tell my kids all the time: The best part of life is childhood! It's so easy to be cocky when you have no responsibilities and you're in tuned enough to discover your parents mistakes. You're incredibly confident in your belief that you'll be better at adulting than they are because you're stronger, more open minded, more resilient. The places you'll go. The adventures you'll pursue. The bullshit road blocks life will throw won't set you back like it did your parents. You won't be affected. Until you are.  You find yourself dreaming less and replacing that time with trying to survive. It's not long until you get the rhythm of life which is nothing but overcoming one obstacle only to be faced with another. If you happen to be good at pivoting, the problems will start becoming more personal damn near attacking. So much so you start to feel like the universe wants you to fail. Which of course gives birth to the...

Let me ask you something.  Are you ever real with yourself?  If you were asked what do you think about yourself?  Honestly and without fear of judgement.  What would you say?  If you were someone else would you want to be your friend?  Would you date yourself?  Realistically.  Are you being the person you want to be?  Don't worry.  I'm not looking for the actual answer.  Questions like those take time to figure out.  Just wanted to give you something to think about.  A glimpse into my personal turmoil. If I had to answer now I would tell you that I'm very displeased with myself right now. I was hit so hard it knocked me completely off my axis. To the point that I don't even trust myself to make decisions.  So, this is me ripping myself off the ground. Digging myself out this hole that I've been hibernating in and prepare to make that first step towards recovery. Notice I didn't say healing. For I cannot be healed. At ...