Butterfly Effect

 Chapter 1

It started with rejection.

I tell my kids all the time: The best part of life is childhood!

It's so easy to be cocky when you have no responsibilities and you're in tuned enough to discover your parents mistakes. You're incredibly confident in your belief that you'll be better at adulting than they are because you're stronger, more open minded, more resilient. The places you'll go. The adventures you'll pursue. The bullshit road blocks life will throw won't set you back like it did your parents. You won't be affected.

Until you are. 

You find yourself dreaming less and replacing that time with trying to survive. It's not long until you get the rhythm of life which is nothing but overcoming one obstacle only to be faced with another. If you happen to be good at pivoting, the problems will start becoming more personal damn near attacking. So much so you start to feel like the universe wants you to fail. Which of course gives birth to the feeling of worthlessness. 

You become less you and more robotic, hard shelled, and paranoid. Gone is that bubbly, optimistic, dreaming energy you once exuded. You are now just existing like everyone else. 

So you can imagine how exhilarating it is to find someone that adores you?

Someone who sees you. Believe in you. Willing to invest in you. They love you so well you start to believe in yourself because you want to become that version they see you as. It's electrifying! Being loved properly. Getting showered with attention, and consideration. Constant affirmations will have you taking chances on yourself you might never have because although you don't see the vision. This person is so adamant about your potential the passion they possess must hold some truth. So you TAKE THAT LEAP OF FAITH!

Before you know it. You're in love. Even crazier. 

You're HAPPY.                                                                    

You pass the planning phase and begin living your life together not knowing time will change everything. In time you go from being the center of their universe to a responsibility, a problem, another entity they have to walk on eggshells not to offend. 

The way they look at you changes. You start to see glimpses of that nobody you once were creeping back into your thoughts turning you insecure and needy. You stop feeling loved and start feeling angry. 

The anger becomes constant because they took it away and you needed that. Being loved like that fueled you. Allowed you to forgive yourself for not being the adult you thought you'd be and instead see the potential you otherwise wouldn't have on your own.

In truth,

You stopped loving me. You stopped seeing me. You replaced me.

Instead of leaving. You stuck around. Suffocating me in confusion. You were present but you stopped treating me like I was a present. No amount of conversations, and arguments could change it. I became stuck. Unsure. Desperate to be validated. Consumed with the idea that everything mattered more to you than I did. I felt inferior. Devalued. Last on your list.

That combination for anyone is deadly. I had to do something.

Who would've thought just how damaging it would be?

Chapter 2